If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
