I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
