If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
