My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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