I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
