Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
