The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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