i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
