Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
The maid of honor just puked.
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
