I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
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No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
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She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
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