I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
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I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
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Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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