i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
