i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
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