Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
