I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
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