Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
