college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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