I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
