The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
