So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
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The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
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My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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