my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
