I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
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I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
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