She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
