ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
My ass is underappreciated
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
