I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize