I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
You can't motorboat a personality
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
