It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
