Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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