look no pants
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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