I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
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