I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
