dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
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