I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
