dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
