if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
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