my phone needs a breathalizer
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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