he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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