My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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