he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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