just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
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They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
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I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".