If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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