i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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