I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Randomize
