grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
