I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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