There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
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Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
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WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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