Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
