im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
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