My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Rumble strips road head = magical
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
