apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
It was confusing and full of hummus
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
