You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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