I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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