why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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