my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Randomize
