It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
