The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
