I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
