Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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