I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Randomize
