You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
